Injury and accident insurance claim adverts are bollocks.

When next doors daughter cut herself on our fence they told me to take some pictures of her gash, and now I'm the one who ends up in fookin court!
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I took the Mrs to the doctor's as she had a golf ball stuck up her arse.

He said" fook me, that's up a fairway"!
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The wife bought me a lovely new Rolex for my 40th birthday.

"Do you like it?" she said.

"It's great!" I said "it will remind me of your fanny".

She laughed "is that because it’s exclusive and sexy?”

I replied "Nah, it’s a bit loose round my wrist!"