There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.


The first blonde says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.


All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

The one blonde says to the other,


"See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

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A guy walks into a bar with a small dog.


The bartender said, "Get out of here with that dog."

The guy said, "But this isn't just any dog. This dog can play the piano."

The bartender replied, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay and have a drink on the house."

So, the guy sat the dog on the piano stool, and the dog started playing. Ragtime, Mozart, Philip Glass ... and the bartender and all of the patrons enjoyed the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog ran in, grabbed the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and dragged him out.


The bartender asked the guy, "What the heck was that all about?"

The guy replied, "Oh that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

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When I got home at 3.00am last night, I told my wife that I had a pretty nasty fall and twisted my ankle.

She thought that was a lame excuse.