more funnies.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing
Dancing Queen on

it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

-----------------------

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It

was a turtle disaster.

------------------------

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She
said

'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

-----------------------

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a
goldfish?' The guy said,

'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't
care what star sign it

is.'

----------------------------

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the
packet.

'Best before End'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
'Analogue.' I said

'No, just a watch.'

------------------------------

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a
kettle.' The

bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he
then?'

--------------------------

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's
bi-satchel.

------------------------

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened
of lapels.' He

said, 'You've got cholera.'

---------------------------

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't
remember his

name, its P something T something R.

----------------------------

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I
couldn't put it down.

----------------------------

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who
answered

just went on and on.

---------------------------

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think
of voluntary

work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid
me.'

--------------------------

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin
opener. I

said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a
banana.' He said, 'No,

this is for the custard.'

----------------------

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of
very thin

paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for
me..'

--------------------------

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said,
'Are you having me

on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition,
but I'm not promising

you anything.'

----------------------------

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can
I have a skip

outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping
you!'

--------------------------------

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
'Audi!'

--------------------------

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,
'Nearest the bull

goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went
'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

------------------------------

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he
told me I'd

been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He
phoned me again

to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved
again. He then made

me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The
police came

and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off
the road'

----------------------

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny:
you couldn't

swing a cat in there.

-------------------------

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while
balanced on the

shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with
shoplifting on

two counts.

------------------------

I bought a train ticket to France
and the ticket seller said

'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly
but I'm no Dean Martin.

---------------------------

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me
how to do

the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I
said, 'I can't make

Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

--------------------------------

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I
borrow Batman

Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it
back tomorrow'

--------------------------------

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
'Yes,' the man

replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you
prepare your

chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them
straight out that

they're going to die

very funny

nice babs.