do any members read or write poetry ?

Fine Fares Fairest Find

Lord almighty big fat Jean's the supermarkets beauty Queen
the tragidy was unforseen in Fine Fares competition
for when they'd written all the rules and hung them in the vestibules
the kids arrived and dogged the schools to hear the judges decision

Now big fat Jean had seven wains and there they sat wae sticks and staines
to batter in the judges brains if he opposed their mammy
but doing his best to keep it fair, pretending that he didn'y care
announced the nicest woman there, that wee wife wae the tammy

Well Heaven help us what a sight, ive never ever heard the like,
it sounded like a thunder strike, a multitude O' vandals
you'd thought they'd turned the Jungle loose, they screamed and yelled
and swore abuse,to burst his veins and spill the juice, much worse than Roman scandals

They chased him through the fruit and veg, past the biscuits past the bread
out across a window ledge down into the midden
trapped among the cabbage leaves wae clasping hands and knocking knees
he closed his eyes and made his pleas "Oh say their only kidding.

Poor wee fella did his best tried to stand and brave the test
but found himself alone undressed, treacled , porrage Oated,
sliding down a slippy slant to end up shining radiant
among the glossy coloured paint, off the Wa' he stoated.

The Fine Fare manager pronounced the judge being well and truly bounced
he wished to change the Queen announced -now big fat Jeans the winner
presenting her the winners prize a swim suit of modest size
she'll never get it by her thighs until shes four stone thinner
E.g.
 
@wheelo this might need moved :oops: [ or deleted ]

'twas the night before xmas and all through the house
everybody felt sh***y even the mouse
mums in the wh***house , dads smoking grass
and I've just settled down to a nice piece of a*s
when out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I rose from my b***h to see what was the matter
I looked out the window and saw a big d**k
I knew straight away it must be saint nick
he came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew right away the fat b*****d had fell
he filled all of our stockings with cider and beer
and a big rubber d**do for my brother the qu**r
he flew up the chimney with a thunderous fart
the stupid drunk pr**k blew the whole thing apart
he got on his sleigh and rode off on his way
ho ho ho and have a great xmas day.!!!
 
@wheelo this might need moved :oops: [ or deleted ]

'twas the night before xmas and all through the house
everybody felt sh***y even the mouse
mums in the wh***house , dads smoking grass
and I've just settled down to a nice piece of a*s
when out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I rose from my b***h to see what was the matter
I looked out the window and saw a big d**k
I knew straight away it must be saint nick
he came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew right away the fat b*****d had fell
he filled all of our stockings with cider and beer
and a big rubber d**do for my brother the qu**r
he flew up the chimney with a thunderous fart
the stupid drunk pr**k blew the whole thing apart
he got on his sleigh and rode off on his way
ho ho ho and have a great xmas day.!!!

very good m8 liked it
 
no offence ment

A VERY FAIRY CHRISTMAS
=======================
MARY was a fairy ,not many people knew , that the fairy known as Mary,
Was a man whose name was Hugh ,
He dressed in ladies fashions , eyes all the boys and flirts
Inviting hints of passion in a micro mini skirt.

At night when work had ended , he’d join a merry band ,
Of people he’d befriended in a club called Fairy Land,
They’d prance and dance the ballet ,pirouette about ,
And when they sang the high up notes ,soprano sounds came out .

NOW as everybody knows, a fairy has a wand ,
All they do is wave it , and fairy tales respond ;
To rearrange the future and change the worldly scenes;
To everything they feature in their airy fairy dreams.

I had no invitation , but chanced to sneak a view,
And there the fairy princess , was the fellow known as Hugh,
Sitting stately on the throne — everyone bowed down,
‘Twas Hughies coronation, Yes Hughies being crowned.

Amid the pomp and circumstance ,there came a thunderous roar;
And crashing into Fairy Land , the Police , through the door,
Fanatic zeal and girlish squeals ,all added to the noise,
But much to their surprise they found , the policemen were not boys,
But lesbians all costumed up, to wreck the evening planned ,
Determined they would not allow such males to take command,
The festival was ended , the riot squad arrived,
They all got jailed for three long months; and Hughie , He got five.
The club has been suspended for breaking civil laws,
No shiny brights or fairy lights to show what once it was,
Hughie lost his ermine robe , attendance maids and crown, A
He wears a tartan bonnet now , when seen around the town.

Now every year at christmas time, within the works canteen ,
Hughie cooks the turkey the stuffing and the greens,
The christmas tree and mistletoe, add silver tinsel scenes,
The tree is lit by fairy lights and then the fairy queens,
Appear and wave their magic wands — and everything tums queer,
As hairy males tell meny tales , at christmas and new year.

The faries and the lesbians have signed a pledge to say,
They ‘d both unite and hold a bright , new special christmas day ,
The faries wear the dresses , the lesbians the suits,
Men with plastic bosoms and female hairy brutes:
EG.
 
Pmsl cla
@wheelo this might need moved :oops: [ or deleted ]

'twas the night before xmas and all through the house
everybody felt sh***y even the mouse
mums in the wh***house , dads smoking grass
and I've just settled down to a nice piece of a*s
when out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I rose from my b***h to see what was the matter
I looked out the window and saw a big d**k
I knew straight away it must be saint nick
he came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew right away the fat b*****d had fell
he filled all of our stockings with cider and beer
and a big rubber d**do for my brother the qu**r
he flew up the chimney with a thunderous fart
the stupid drunk pr**k blew the whole thing apart
he got on his sleigh and rode off on his way
ho ho ho and have a great xmas day.!!!
Pmsl @steptoe nice Xmas poem to get us in mood
 
I leant upon a coppice gate
When Frost was spectre-grey,
And Winter's dregs made desolate
The weakening eye of day.
The tangled bine-stems scored the sky
Like strings of broken lyres,
And all mankind that haunted nigh
Had sought their household fires.

The land's sharp features seemed to be
The Century's corpse outleant,
His crypt the cloudy canopy,
The wind his death-lament.
The ancient pulse of germ and birth
Was shrunken hard and dry,
And every spirit upon earth
Seemed fervourless as I.

At once a voice arose among
The bleak twigs overhead
In a full-hearted evensong
Of joy illimited;
An aged thrush, frail, gaunt, and small,
In blast-beruffled plume,
Had chosen thus to fling his soul
Upon the growing gloom.

So little cause for carolings
Of such ecstatic sound
Was written on terrestrial things
Afar or nigh around,
That I could think there trembled through
His happy good-night air
Some blessed Hope, whereof he knew
And I was unaware.
SongThrush.jpg
 
PRICE OF PROGRESS

This tale is of a tiny mouse , that lived in Maggie Horns house
He wandered about behind the delf that rested on the pantry shelf
And every night when lights were out, the cheeky chap would prowl about
To dine on most expensive things ,like biscuits , cake , and donut rings
But science struck its fiercest blow, when vacuum salesmen ,staged a show
When Maggie found it blows and sucks, she bought a new ELECTROLUX

And now, before she goes to bed, when all the family are fed
The dishes washed , the table laid, tomorrow mornings blessings said
Out the shiny cleaner comes, and sucks up all the fluff and crumbs
And all the food is kept within , the saftey of a lidded tin.

Alas, when on his evening round , not a crumb was to be found
The tiny mouse with tearful eyes , was growing weak, and realised
The effort of his search ,at length , had sapped his energy, and strength
And was not doing much to right , his hunger pains , or appetite
They'd put an end to midnight feasts, for little hungry furry beasts
And after seven days ,unfed ,the tiny mouse lay quietly , DEAD

So spare a thought, who will provide, as science makes progressive strides
And does away with habits like, the feeding of wee mice at night
You 'll notice now, when Elders search, they always find a mouse in church
Seeking refuge like a sinner; miles, from Maggie's , Vacuum cleaner
 
Oh little man of ireland with your copper coloured hair,its time to find a hiding place,its time to be aware.
For a prowler lurks your homestead,with a greedy lust for rich,
For untold wealth that he desires,for eternal happiness.
Shall you hide it down the wishing well,or the oak tree tired and old,for this man will stop at nothing,to steal your pot of gold.
This gold is mine,no man shall take.
No lust,No love,No dreams to make.
For I've danced 1000 years or more.
My gold to dance a fifty score
 
for the kids

Hush a bye sleepy head.

Hush a bye sleepy head, close your eyes it’s time for bed
As stardust falls from starry domes, the sandman calls at children’s homes
So dream your dreams of fairy dells, snow white, dwarfs and wishing wells
And go to sleep as mother said, starry eyed sleepy head

And as you take to slumber-land, on calm blue lakes thro, wonderland
Adrift on moonbeams silver sheen's, in Technicolour’s wondrous streams
Away from grief and safe from harm, on paths that pink rose leaf adorn
Be joy the only tears you shed, starry eyed sleepy head

And looking back in older times, when age has worn its furrowed lines
In happiness my boy, be sad, for all the love and joy you had
When all that’s left a tattered shred of things and grand folks long since dead
For their sake be a thorough bred, starry eyed sleepy head
 
When I was one-and-twenty
I heard a wise man say,
“Give crowns and pounds and guineas
But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies
But keep your fancy free.”
But I was one-and-twenty,
No use to talk to me.

When I was one-and-twenty
I heard him say again,
“The heart out of the bosom
Was never given in vain;
’Tis paid with sighs a plenty
And sold for endless rue.”
And I am two-and-twenty,
And oh, ’tis true, ’tis true.

A E Housman
 
roses are red
violets are blue
i'm sh*t at poetry
so just show me your t!ts


roses are green
violets are yellow
im marcus and im colour blind
 
The dogs were having a party
They came from near and far
Some flew in by aeroplane
And some drove in by car
They went into the lobby
And signed the visitors´ book
And each one hung his arsehole
Upon a separate hook

One dog was not invited
And this aroused his ire
He burst into the meeting place
And loudly shouted, ´Fire!´
Now the dogs were so excited
They had no time to look
And each one took an arsehole
From off the nearest hook

It is a sad sad story
For it is very sore
To wear another´s arsehole
You´ve never worn before
And that is why when dogs meet
By land or sea or foam
Each sniffs the other´s arsehole
In hope it is its own
 
The dogs were having a party
They came from near and far
Some flew in by aeroplane
And some drove in by car
They went into the lobby
And signed the visitors´ book
And each one hung his arsehole
Upon a separate hook

One dog was not invited
And this aroused his ire
He burst into the meeting place
And loudly shouted, ´Fire!´
Now the dogs were so excited
They had no time to look
And each one took an arsehole
From off the nearest hook

It is a sad sad story
For it is very sore
To wear another´s arsehole
You´ve never worn before
And that is why when dogs meet
By land or sea or foam
Each sniffs the other´s arsehole
In hope it is its own


lol liked it
 
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